 Lyrics from Taylor after an exhausting weekend: "I feel like a thing of yogurt that expired two months ago." Good times, indeed.
For Chrissakes, Dabica, how about an update, you stale old bastard?
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 10:52 PM
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 The one they call Chaka has won another "I can run home faster than you think I can" bet. The wiry little sonofabitch made it back from the Downtown Launching Pad to his condo on Riverside Ave in 18 minutes, well under the 20 minute limit that Knaack and I laid out for him. This will surely come as news to Frank, as he seemed a bit out of it at the time we made the bet.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 2:45 PM
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I hate the New Jersey Devils. Bastards.
I have unfortunately managed to simulate the god-awful stench that I experienced last October near the end of an 11-hour non-stop flight from JFK to Argentina right here in the Downtown Launching Pad. I must have somehow recreated the exact same filthy combo of booze, shitty food and sleep deprivation that I experienced on that flight. Godawful, I tell you. Too bad you can't just crank down the windows of a 767 when it gets downright stanky.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 4:16 AM
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 Got all hopped up on Red Bull and Liquid Truth Serum last night at Dan Liversedge's 30th birthday party, then went out on the town. I woke up this morning with a cut on my nose, gashes on my thigh and knee, and a big ol' scratch on my palm. Apparently I was teaching the kids how to "properly" dive off a porch and into a big-ass hedge. A very pointy and scratchy hedge. It ain't a party until very drunk girls in very tiny skirts leap into the bushes... Thanks to Ol' Dirty Muehlmann for teaching me my technique.
I missed the goddamn earthquake this morning because I was so hammered last night. At least my air conditioner didn't fall out of the window and brain some hapless fool wandering the streets at 7 am.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 9:21 PM
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 How much more black could this post's image be? The answer is none. None more black.
No Training Wheels is looking to showcase a new ridiculous porn spam each and every day. We all have to deal with this crap, so we might as well have a little fun with it. Mail your entry's link here, or use the smutty little button under my picture over there on the left.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 12:49 AM
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 Diamond Dave and Sammy Hagar on tour together? This is surely another sign of the Apocalypse. Swampscott's finest, David Lee Roth, is all right by me, but the sooner Sammy Hagar is crammed into Al Gore's old "lockbox" and set adrift in the Bering Sea, the better. Why Can't This Be [Stopped]?
The Hartolina Whalercanes are gonna whup some serious Jersey Devil ass, startin' tonight. Whalers green, baby.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 12:24 AM
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 This picture is for Blotto, who advised me to "show more weeeeed smoking." I went for the arty-style illustration 'cause chicks dig that shit. I had to lift Blotto's picture from Transworld (Kevin Zacher), and since I couldn't find any antic-type shots, Dean gets to look all bad-ass on some rainbow somewhere. The One Sue Lee claims to be down with the Great Elastic Ponytail Band project (as long as that Real Piece of Work, E. Rose, is on the sticks). Ex-pat Jenny Grollman has invited me to run away to Switzerland, where she's currently living the high life. Pascal and Creston were amused by NoTrainingWheels, but want to see more about my special " Oat-Veal" cookies. McGurk still thinks it's gay. Lance Violette has yet to voice an opinion, but that's probably due to the fact that he's been in seclusion since the beginning of the month.
D-Man told me today that he's just been accepted to Georgetown Law School. He says he's still waiting to hear back from Harvard and Stanford, but isn't sure he wants to be a lawyer, anyway.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 8:35 PM
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 I just made the mistake of trumpeting the latest iteration of mrbowles / notrainingwheels to damn near everyone in my Outlook. Some of these folks I haven't seen in years, and yet I felt like I had to inflict this crapola upon them just as they were getting on with their lives sans Johnny Bowles. I guess I did it out of loooooove. Too late to take it back now.
NEWS FLASH: I am now accepting applications for membership in my latest project, the "Great Elastic Ponytail Band." Throw your dirty ol' hat in the ring here.
1 - nil to the Arsenal.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 5:46 AM
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 Smoked a bunch of lung darts last night. Feel like ass today.
Dabica says Ferrari will win at Imola tomorrow. He is right. Sorry, Liversausage.
This fucking idiot is a contender for "Biggest Waster of Time in The History of Mankind." I cannot believe someone actually put this piece of crap on the web, and I've looked at a lot of pieces of crap. Anyone who barfs up the line "Great Elastic Ponytail Bands!" and then provides a link to show off said "Great Elastic Ponytail Bands!" needs a serious beating. The most pathetic part of this whole rant is that I came across this page while searching for littleneck clam recipes. Go figure.
Time to nip into the whisky.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 6:07 PM
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 Apparently the shit has hit the fan over on Industrial Parkway. Heads are rolling. One would think they'd just get rid of the deadweight dipshits, but we all know that's never the case... The good have gone with the bad, and that's just fucked.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 7:20 PM
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 Let this be a lesson to all of you who think that moving to a big city and embracing Colt .45 will make you impervious to those awkward, not-so-cool moments you used to suffer in the backwater you grew up in. Also, I believe I have solved the "Chicken in Sherry Sauce" mystery.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 3:07 AM
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 Adam Moran has weighed in with his critique of this piece. The McGurk writes: "So I see you decided to get totally wicked gay and sit around jerking off to your own website now Bowles, sounds like fun, maybe I'll have to get my own too. But instead of cars I will put pictures of naked sluts and underage girls to jerk off to. later, Moran." I hope he gets that baby up and running soon, because Adam can get pretty damn cranky without a steady supply of Lolita pics and hand lotion.
Here we see him displaying one of the tricks he learned as a sprout at Nashoba and Wachusett. Nice work, McGurk.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 6:43 PM
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Trying to decide if I should indulge in an evening of drink and debauchery, or simply abandon my pants and lay about watching TV (this includes drinking, but little or no debauchery). The pull of the Serum is strong...
Manchester City are promoted. Fuck yeah.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 6:14 PM
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 My best friend Militarious DiMaggio Reynolds, Esq. has, after taking a look at the new site, advised me to not get too "gay" with it. I can understand that. I tried to glean a few ideas from his site, but I'm pretty sure I won't be able to live up his very "un-gay" standards. I will keep trying, though. Strive for excellence, I always say.
Couldn't resist tossing in this "extreme action shot" of Mr. Frank Knaack at the World Quarterpipe Championships (courtesy of Joel Muzzey, as presented on negativeb). Drink drop to assgrind. Good times.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 12:40 AM
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 I stole this baby from Dabica, master of the Site of Justice. Apparently, he made it all by himself. I'm not sure of the significance of the “Hot Tub” lyrics, though. Does Chris just really dig hot tubs? Does he really dig hot tubs with Coulter in them? Does he really dig taking Coulter roughly from behind (not that there’s anything wrong with that) in said hot tubs? We’ll probably never know. Myself, I like to watch Coulter's head spin around in that funny hat. Or maybe I just enjoy feeling dizzy.
I forget how I ended up at this site, but I found it more than a little strange. I wonder what these creepy bastards are up to... I'm sure the PETA mouth-breathers will have something to say about it, if they can take some time off from throwing red paint on little old ladies' fur coats.
Enough foolishness for tonight. Time for a few cocktails.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 8:43 PM
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 Up here in Ver-frickin-mont we tend to cast a disapproving and slightly embarrased eye northward towards Canadia. Find out how Canadian you are here. I managed an amazing 4% Canadian (which, I am sure, is due to some sort of statistical error and does not in any way mean that I have any roots in Canadia whatsoever.) There is no test yet for the rare Mexican-Canadian, but Bridges claims he has seen them at Killington in the late 90's.
Also, congratulations to the idiots in College Park, Maryland and Bloomington, Indiana. We all like to see a nice riot and a bit of looting after the NCAA basketball finals, I suppose. UConn kids wouldn't have engaged in this sort of monkey-business... UVM kids would be too stoned to light up anything other than Billy Bong Thornton.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 11:01 AM
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  Mike the Gay Plant (not that there's anything wrong with that) is still alive. This one's for Michaylira and especially Sue, since I had to nurse ol' Mike back to health after she abandoned him on Adams Street back in the 2000. Before on the left, after on the right. Poor bastard.
Sean Hannity is an asshole.
Arsenal and Manchester City both won AGAIN today. I am loving it.
posted by John Patrick Bowles at 1:52 PM
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OTHER KIDS:
Current
March 02
April 02
May 02
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No fire here yet. Maybe a little smoke...
